Back in January I made it one of my goals for the year to ‘find stillness’. Going from working full-time with coaching and writing on the side to just doing the coaching and writing bits, I thought this goal would pretty much take care of itself. So I did nothing to make it happen beyond taking a photo and posting it on Instagram declaring that 2016 would be the year I found some quiet time for my mind.

The thing about time is that it very quickly gets filled up with other things unless you actively mark it out and designate it for a task or, in my case, earmark it as a time for no task at all. So January passed in a haze of rushing around trying to do all the things and stressing about getting my tax return done.

At the end of the month I was frazzled and confused as to where all this extra free time I was supposed to have had gone. The last weekend of January was both the weekend of my marathon workshop and tax return deadline day. So on 1 February, I took an afternoon off – my first time off of the year.

On that Monday afternoon, I turned my phone off and pottered about the kitchen making granola, banana bread and a chocolate banana cake. I went out to a cafe and had some lunch and listened to a podcast. Then on the Tuesday the frantic week continued leaving me exhausted on the sofa come the weekend. It was time to reassess that plan to find stillness.

Meditation’s what you need

Tuesday 

I downloaded myself the Headspace meditation app with the hope that this was the solution. I’d never done meditation before but I’d seen people do it in films and stuff, so I lit some candles because that seemed like a thing I should do. Then I felt awkward like I was seducing myself.

By chance it was Shrove Tuesday – the day before Lent – so the perfect day for grand announcements like ‘I’m going to meditate every day until Easter. But Easter is a long way away – 40 days to be precise.

Ash Wednesday 

Day One of meditating had gone well, but it felt like I needed to do some more research. So I watched Eat, Pray Love. Then I got hungry when she started eating pizza. Then I got tired when she fell asleep in meditation. And then I had a nap. I chalked this up as a stillness success.  I did my 10 minutes of Headspace but it felt less successful. I hadn’t lit any candles this time because it wasn’t dark yet and that would have been both weird and wasteful, but maybe that was a mistake. 

Thursday

I had a full day of appointments and work that started with a client at 8am and a speaking gig that didn’t finish until 8:30pm. There was no time for stillness or meditation today, but I drank a beer when I got home which was similar.

Friday

Friday is my admin day which I spend catching up on responding to emails, writing training plans and invoicing. I went for run and without intention I found myself running fast in a kind of rhythmic trance. But running is not my stillness. I got home and had the choice between meditation vs getting everything done by 5. So I decided to plough on and get all my work finished by the weekend. This was the first Friday in a long time that I’ve relaxed knowing that I had nothing to do at the weekend other than chill out.

Saturday

With no work or admin to do, I had a lie-in, a leisurely breakfast before swapping my slippers for spikes and met Laura to run to a cross country race. Then we went for sandwiches and I walked home from cafe through the park drinking coffee. It was quiet and, although cold, it was nicer than sitting on a bus.

Sunday

No work, no running…. it was all a bit confusing. What do people do on Sundays? I ended up spending it doing some Jasyoga in the front room, clearing out kit and taking it to the charity shop and getting back on the meditation wagon and doing 10 mins of Headspace. I forced myself not to open my emails and to try to be better at separating work from life. It’s difficult trying to find that balance when you work for yourself but I think I’m slowly getting there. It’s a work in progress.